Welcome everybody.
It has been such a long time since I've sat down in a chair and typed things.
To be exact, my last post happened mid-October of last year. Only one third into the season, and for those of you that love this blog, I'm like hella sorry. For those of you that don't, why are you reading? It's just weird for the both of us.
For those of you new to the game "Hygene!"
My brother and Patrick and Sean and Karen will get that joke.
Dad might get it too, but he's now on a first name basis with the guy who works the counter at the marijuana dispensary.
"Hey Dad . . . singers sing, and ringers ring, but have you ever seen fingers fing?
Oh . . . wait . . . there they go."
That's a quality Simpsons reference BTW.
His team name is FudgeHammer2. Please nobody tell him that that's NOT a brownie reference.
Anyway, the reason I dropped out of the limelight last year is that I joined a Political Campaign and I was really trying to make a solid impression as someone to take seriously. I don't know why.
They certainly know better now.
And they don't find me funny either.
Not at all.
I've never had to explain so many punchlines in my life.
Or listened to so much ABBA.
Anyway, for those of you new here, each week I like to write up all the fun things that happened in our respective leagues.
I make fun of Frank a lot. Like a lot a lot.
The rest of you I will poke fun at from time to time. Not mean spirited poking . . . loving poking . . . Netflix and chill poking.
You hear that Mike? You get the popcorn, I'll pour the Chardonnay.
But I mostly make fun of myself and my wretched game play.
I'm at my best when I lose.
Which has made the last two seasons weird and uncomfortable.
In 2015, I named my teams after funny injuries. Geno Smith getting cold cocked in the locker-room, and Pierre-Paul blowing off his fingers with an ill advised proximity to 4th of July fire crackers. Both teams turned out to be dreadful, dreadful, dreadful, and unrelentlessly injury plagued.
So in 2016, I named my teams after "Unstoppable Forces!" as I saw it. And since it was campaign season I went with "Unstoppable POLITICAL Forces!"
Cheney's Shotgun . . . and much to my despair . . . Trump's Twitter Game.
Honestly . . . I may be guilty for the world as it is today. I put that idea into the universe. I might as well have been the person who convinced Hilary not to campaign in Wisconsin.
I'm getting fan mail from Russian Bots.
Cheney came in at a respectable 2nd place. I had a Russel Wilson vs Cam Newton problem and I chose poorly. Karen deserved the win.
But my dear old Trump came in 1st. Because David Johnson.
But here's where it gets weird.
I didn't change the name in 2017. Because how could I?
What I did do was draft Todd Gurley in the second round.
What happened next . . . will shock you!
<insert fifty-two pages of click-bait>
Bruce Willis was dead the whole time.
Sorry Frank if I ruined the last season of "Moonlighting" for you.
Yes, Trump's Twitter Game took home the trophy for the second year in a row. Alex Jones has sent me a Friend Request on MySpace.
Porn stars are sending me non-disclosure agreements.
I really need to put tape over the front facing camera on my iMac.
However, despite the guilt, and the very real possibility that the choice I make now will be the final tipping point that starts WWIII . . . as Crash Davis says "You gotta respect the streak."
And yeah world peace would be delightful . . . but could it possibly be as delightful as a third year in a row fantasy win?
Can it?
Really?
But there's good news . . . things are already looking pretty grim for Trump's Twitter Game. My second round pick this year is out for the season (McKinnon), and I drank the cool aide and drafted Gronk in the third, so my WR's are weak, my bench is weak, so the part of me that still has a soul feels like a losing season will bring balance to the force.
Right now, however, I'm like a Return of the Jedi Darth Vader, looking at the Emperor, looking at Luke, then looking back at the Emperor.
I mean . . . there's a moral decision to be made . . . but I am responsible for chopping off my son's right hand . . . and I'm pretty are the boy can take some lightening bolts without too much damage.
So, we'll wait and see.
On to our regularly scheduled programming . . .
THE BIG NEWS
Obviously Bell will not be suiting up for the Steelers this Sunday. Which is sadness . . . unless . . . you did what Trump did and passed on him for David Johnson and let him fall to Uncle John's Band.
And Trump did this specifically because uncertainty is not what you want with your first pick.
But then Trump went a step further (the asshole that he is) and drafted James Conner in the 14th round.
Dick move, bro. Dick move.
In all fairness however, a trade was proposed before Bell's absence was officially determined, so Trump's conscience is crystal clear.
More on trades when we get to the Fantasy section.
INJURIES AND BAD DECISIONS
Aside from McKinnon, there hasn't been anything devastating. Though I do want to point out that Josh Gordon will be suiting up for his first Week One start since 2012.
He is a dumpster fire just waiting to happen.
Yes . . . yes I did draft him in the fourth round.
I love dumpster fires. My hands get cold and the nights are long, Mike.
WHAT TO WATCH
Football . . . obviously . . . but I'm mostly interested in what's going to happen with my home town teams. Can the Niners redeem themselves with Jimmy Handsome? Will the Raiders be this years Browns? Who's the comeback kid this year? Will it be Luck, will it be David Johnson, JJ Watt, Jordy Nelson?
Probably not Jordy.
Anyway, there's way too many soap-operas about to unfold, so we'll leave this here.
FANTASY LAND
Flash Gordons (0-0) Last Season 8th
Trump's Twitter Game (0-0) Last Season 1st
Again . . . just so we're clear . . . I am not good at this game.
8th place in twelve team leagues is my average.
I have managed 12 teams in 7 seasons and my win to loss ratio is 47%.
That means if you were to bet money that I would lose in any given week, you'd be right 53% of the time.
I've drafted Josh Gordon at least five times. I once drafted a QB in the first round. This is the first year since 2013 that I don't have Frank Gore on any of my rosters.
And he's sitting one of the waiver wires right now just mocking me.
My brother has already sent me the text saying that my team looked great back in 2015.
He sends me that text EVERY YEAR.
Adjusting for inflation.
Dad has already sent me the congratulations text on my only draft steal (T.Y Hilton in the 5th round), and then will pepper me with texts about quality line backers sitting on the waiver wire for the rest of the season.
Frank and Steve have already laughed at me for drafting Josh Gordon. Its good to be in the room sometimes.
Aside from the loss of McKinnon, I think my teams are aimed at the 5 spot. Not enough to win the playoffs, but competitive each week, until like week 4 or so.
But bringing the conversation back around . . . Trading.
Do it.
It's super fun.
Some of the best times I've had playing this game is the back and forth texts between me and my brother. We can throw out names for hours and almost always come out with better teams in the end.
But here's the deal . . . the first trade proposal is just an opening bid . . . and it's always gonna look lopsided.
Send back a counter proposal.
Do it.
It's super fun.
Is there risk . . . yes.
Adam and I made a monster trade last year where I ended up with Deshaun Watson . . . in week seven. I got one beautiful game, which I'm pretty sure I lost. That's my jam.
Do you want to give up the guys you've fallen in love with . . . no.
But as much as I love to have me a piece of Josh Gordon, he's for sale.
It'll take a lot.
But, I'll entertain the idea.
You should feel the same way about any member of your team that John Gruden feels for Khalil Mack.
Or the Packers felt for Jordy Nelson.
Or Belichick feels about anything.
And please . . . please please please . . . don't ignore trade proposals. If there is absolutely not a single player on the other persons team that fills you with a warm fuzzy . . . then just write back and say something like "Nah Bro. I'm good"
Or, you know, something a little less appropriate.
Something involving the other person's mother.
Might point is . . . try it . . . it's fun.
All right winding down now . . .
CRAZY STUPID PREDICTIONS WEEK ONE
I choose either Gordon or Barber in my Flex position, I'll be wrong.
The Niners beat The Vikings and Pretty Jimmy continues his perfect winning streak.
There are no season ending injuries Week One.
Gore goes for 120yds and a TD, someone gets him off the waiver and tries to trade him to me for Josh Gordon.
I say "Nah Bro, I'm good" but it takes me a whole day to think about it.
That's it folks.
Hope you laughed and have fun tomorrow.
