I caught a back-to-school commercial during one of the Raiders’ preseason games. The reason it caught my eye (or more importantly my ear) is that it was a bunch of grade school children singing along with Whitesnake’s Here I Go Again.
Those of you, my age and older, will conjure up only one thing when that particular song is being played:
Tawny Kitaen rolling around on the hood of a car.
If you do not see this image burned into the back of your head, well . . . I’m afraid we can’t be friends anymore.
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone.
Now, as always, you might be wondering why that little piece of information has any football relevance.
Two reasons:
First, our Miss Tawny was married to Whitesnake front man David Coverdale, while having a wonderfully elicit affair with none other than former running back, O.J. Simpson. She then divorced Mr. Coverdale and then went right into a terrible marriage with a baseball player.
The girl likes cars and athletes and former Deep Purple band members. IN THAT ORDER.
Smoke on the water, indeed.
Anyway, the second fun bit, is that I’m fascinated by the marketing executive who asked himself: “How do I combine sex and school supplies, and frame that for an audience who wants to see how well Amari Cooper has progressed for the seven or eight plays he might be allowed to play?”
Pretty ingenious if you ask me.
Certainly caught my attention.
Amari looked good and I really want a trapper-keeper for no known reason.
And it does make a nice little segue into my Fantasy Football thoughts this week, because for those of us that are less than a week away from draft day(s), it’s time to CRACK OPEN THE BOOKS and try to remember who the hell Thomas Rawls is, and why he is so important.
Now, for those of you that don’t read NFL news daily . . . you haven’t missed much.
Chip Kelly is now the coach of the doomed 49ers. The Russians accused Peyton Manning of taking Performance Enhancing Drugs (they obviously were asleep in 2015), and every player who was injured last year is quote “In the best shape of their lives.” unquote.
I think even ESPN said Tawny Kitaen is in THE BEST SHAPE OF HER LIFE.
The ghost of an eleven year old me shivered a bit.
Oh, except Karlos Williams. Apparently all he wants to do when he gets home is take his bra off and pour himself a very large glass of wine.
He was dropped by the Bills for being fat and unappreciative.
Thank goodness that’s not grounds for divorce in the state of California, or I might come home one day with all my clothes out on the lawn.
Now, when you do crack open those books, you’ll be excited to find out that the draft rankings are all over wide-receivers this year. Antonio Brown is the clear number one, along with OBJ, Julio Jones, AJ Greenery, and all the guys you could have found last year in the back of round two.
Experts hate running backs.
And there are some who are still convinced you should get Gronk in the 9th spot.
Go ahead dude . . . to each his own.
No one thinks you should draft a QB before Round 7, and if you do, you’re clearly on crack.
Says everyone who got Blake Bortles on the waiver wire last year, and no one who grabbed Cam Newton in the 3rd.
If you grabbed Cammy in the third, you probably had a good year.
But essentially, it won’t take you long to learn the truth, which is that it doesn’t matter who you choose as long as they’re the right guys.
Now when I set up my rankings, I usually start with the rankings of a seasoned expert who I don’t find too cloying to listen to or read.
CBS Sports dudes are pretty cool. The NFL Fantasy guys alway say the opposite of what everyone else is saying and some of the Yahoo guys take douche-baggery to a whole new level. And there’s always that one argumentative guy on the panel who insists on calling soccer “Futbol”
Fuck that guy.
And once I’ve found my expert and loaded up his or her rank, I tinker with it a bit, just in case my iPad goes down during the draft and the computer starts to make my decisions for me.
Like the guy who drafted Melvin Gordon last year with the fifth overall pick. Not that Jamaal Charles did me much better . . . like at all . . . but I slept soundly for three weeks in September.
I tinker because I would never pick Gronk in the first round. I don’t want CJ Anderson over Shady McCoy, and I don’t want Edelman until three days before Brady returns.
I also like to give a little juice to my favorite guys.
Guys I like to watch play. Old guys on the verge of making a comeback. Young guys who could supplant the season veteran in week 4. Arian Foster.
You know . . . my guys.
And then I sorta fill in the blanks.
For the record . . . however . . . tinkering with the expert rankings has not in anyway shape or form, helped me out the slightest bit.
Ever.
So this year, I will do none of that. (Sorta . . . I will fill up some of the later rounds with defensive players so I’m not searching for them).
But I won’t, I will not tinker beyond one or two little bits. Not for the first few rounds at least.
Also, if you're wondering why the picture is of the 2013 fantasy draft, it's because that's the first year I tinkered heavily with the Draft Rankings. My first three picks ended up being CJ Spiller, Lamar Miller, and David Wilson.
Who the hell is David Wilson, you ask.
Oh . . . only the super fast, super slippery, lead back for the New York Giants who got hurt in the first fifteen minutes of the very first game and never saw the inside of the stadium again.
Ask Peter.
I did get Josh Gordon in Round 9. That was his year. His only year. And my only solid pick, and because of that, he became one of my guys.
But I will not be tinkering with the rankings this year.
That way, I don’t get seduced to reach for Josh Gordon in Round 5.
I mean, it’s not like he’s a curvaceous red-head crawling around on the hood of a Jaguar.
That would be Andy Dalton.
And not until Round 10
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