So I yelped a little bit last night, watching the Broncos/Chargers game on my twitter feed during my son's fencing lesson.
If that is not the whitest sentence I have ever written, then I don't know what is.
I deserve a pumpkin spice latte for that one.
Anyway, CJ Anderson, whom I have loaded up in two of my three fantasy teams, punches in a touchdown after doing almost nothing throughout the rest of the game, and there's a flag on the play.
Dammit.
It wasn't even a necessary hold.
Anderson was long gone from the line of scrimmage by the time the offensive hold took place.
Grrr.
I think I got CeeJayed.
Which is the expression I've used ever since I drafted CJ Spiller in the first round of 2013.
It means I listened to the hype and got super burned.
I really should have more trust issues by now.
I also realized I wasn't wearing my lucky tank top.
So that one's on me.
My bad.
Flag on the play.
But back to Week 5 . . .
So one year . . . I did this thing.
I was losing so terribly that I decided to throw caution to the wind and suck up every waiver wire darling I could and remake my team on a week to week basis.
That failed . . . but so does supply side economics.
Even Alan Greenspan agrees.
And he could have been a professional flute player.
Anyway, there was this one magical week where I loaded up some guy (I honestly can't remember if it was Alan Hurns, or Andrew Hawkins), but the dude went off, like stratosphere off, and over time some Fantasy Football pundit would joke that Hurns/Hawkins stats helped NO ONE.
Except me.
It helped me.
And because of that, I strutted around the house for like three days wearing a vest made of animal pelts and insisting to my wife that it was perfectly reasonable to drink malt liquor out of a ram's horn.
The magic didn't last . . . unlike supply side economics . . . and I was back to my dismal self a few days later.
So I told you that story so I could tell you this one:
My brother, god bless, actually had Jacquizz (Gesundheight) in his line-up this week.
Blew my mind.
First . . . because I know Jacquizz . . . not personally . . . but he's one of those guys that is ALWAYS sitting on the waiver wire begging for a chance, the way my family begs for a puppy.
The answer is no.
It's always been no, it will always be no, and if you ask me one more time I'm going to take away your iPod.
But there he was, sitting in my brother's line-up, the SPCA having given him another chance.
That is the magic of Fantasy Football.
You know who didn't have the magic?
AJ MF Green . . . Mike was right . . . AJ MF Green.
However, it was one of those matches that didn't make a difference.
Karen had RuthlessBurger and Zeke. There was no way around that one. I was toast before I finished my first beer.
Which . . . I'm proud to say . . . was around 11:30am Sunday morning.
Usually I'm taking the head off my third by then, flag or no flag.
Alright . . . to the Bat Mobile!
THE BIG NEWS
We all knew Brady was gonna have a good game. I even had a little side bet that Bennet was going to blow it up.
He did. Ha ha.
But seriously, did anyone think Karlos Williams was going to get picked up by the Steelers? I mean sure . . . he's just a slightly tubby member of their practice squad . . . but he had to look a little more spry than Justin Forsett, who got grabbed by the Lions.
And everyone kept murmuring about Tennessee's exotic smash mouth running game, but that title clearly goes to the Falcons who seem to be the only team that is lighting up the stats with two running backs.
And Hoyer, whoosh, I keep waiting for him to have a Texas style melt down and it doesn't seem to be happening.
Everything's bigger in Texas I guess, except for the Texans.
What is it about massive QB contracts that seem so terrible in hindsight?
Can you feel how smug the Jets' front office feels right now after holding Fitzmagic to a one year contract? Their letterhead must read "I told you so."
FLAG.
And then there's Kaepernick, which we'll get to later.
INJURIES AND BAD DECISIONS:
Not a lot of guys going down (though I feel sorta bad about Peter, who had to watch Lacy on the sidelines for the last quarter while losing to me by a mere 9 points. He was two runs and a TD away from making me eat crow.)
But a lot of dudes coming back . . . Jennings, Foster, Charles, other players I've clearly forgotten, there's gonna be a lot of turnover on Fantasy rosters this week, and that looks fun.
Nobody's getting high, hurting women or children or puppy dogs, or campaigning for Donald Trump, so it's been a nice stretch of common sense this week.
Except for the Broncos' ALL ORANGE Jerseys. They looked like they were all wearing feety pajamas. Or Dr. Seuss characters.
They looked like slow moving traffic cones.
Except Von Miller, there is nothing slow about that man.
Roughing the passer indeed. Flag.
HERE'S SOMETHING I DIDN'T KNOW:
So as I was searching around for football news, all of which seems to be focused on the upcoming return of Colin Kaepernick, I came upon this article from the Smithsonian about Francis Scott Key.
I did not know that the man who penned the words "The Land of the FREE" also said this about Africans in America:
“a distinct and inferior race of people, which all experience proves to be the greatest evil that afflicts a community.”
Wow.
That's um . . . well . . . wow.
Would you call that Offsides? Neutral Zone Infraction? Unsportsmanlike Conduct?
Anyway you call it . . . FLAG, FLAG, FLAG, FLAG!
I hated the song before . . . but jeez . . . where has that piece of information been all my life?
I feel like every book of history I had in my backpack throughout my school years was missing a vital chapter called "Oh . . . by the way . . . here's what really happened."
Imagine what this world might look like . . .
Speaking of imagination . . .
FANTASY LAND:
Teddy's Stump Speech (4-1) 2nd place
Trump's Twitter Game (4-1) 2nd place
Cheney's Shotgun (2-3) 6th place
I feel a little terrible now about my Team name choices, considering the last paragraph, but I was shooting for unstoppable forces, and EVIL is an unstoppable force.
Clearly.
Even though I lost to Karen, I still had a pretty good Week 5, and kept my 6th place in the rankings despite AJ MF Green . . . Mike was Right. And moved up to the Number 2 spot in both Teddy and Trump leagues.
Now here's the interesting thing . . . In Trump's league I bitched last week about being in 4th place because of the division match-ups. I had the exact record of my division leader, AND more points, which would have put me on top.
But Mr. Gold had won more division match-ups which put him ahead of me.
The only way I could "Trump" him would be if he lost and I won in Week 5.
That did happen . . . by the way . . . so no give backs . . . but here's the thing,
I was as invested in his losing as my winning. Not a normal preset for my tender heart, but certainly not out of the question. And I'm not here to make friends. I'm here to lose them, spectacularly.
So I looked up his opponent, Ice Burge, and noticed that he didn't have any WR's. They were all on BYE weeks, and the waiver wire was as gruesome as Francis Scott Key's biography.
So I offered Steve a trade, cause I had some good WR's and I wanted to store up my bench.
I offered him Cobb and Crowder, for his Snead and Draughn.
I never heard back from him. Not an "I'll think about it.", not a counter offer, not even a "No F**&ing Way". Just radio silence.
Jump forward a week . . . The two WR's he rode were Inman and Smith Jr.
Those two gave him a combined total of 2 points.
Cobb and Crowder combined for 19.
Delay of Game. 17 point penalty. Still 3rd down.
He still won the match against Mr. Gold . . . no give backs . . . and I ain't even mad cause Cobb done me good, but I wanted to point out that there haven't been any trades this year.
None.
Not even my brother, who I usually trade with almost once every three weeks.
I know y'all are scared. Except you Frank, you're an animal. But being able to trade is so much more thrilling than scrounging the waiver wire. Shore up your weaknesses, give a little, get a little.
Don't be chicken to put yourself out there. And when someone sends you a trade idea you think might be ridiculous, COUNTER. Sure it's everyman/woman for herself/himself, and for every time you leave 17 points on the floor, you might take the risk of having those 17 points used against you, but still.
Make it your goal to get some trading done this week and next.
Except you Frank . . . I like you as a power bottom . . . and I'll flag that anytime.
CRAZY STUPID PREKICTIONS WEEK 5
Kaepernick enters the game (damn . . . a whole week off)
Todd Gurley: 27 carries 8.5 yards (Did I say Gurley, cause I clearly meant to say my very own Mckinnon)
Odell Monster Game, still loses (5-56-1 and lost)
Garbage Time Stafford (The exact opposite, 3TDs first few minutes, bed wetting the rest of the way)_
AJ MF Green: (lol . . . just . . . lol . . . mike)
CRAZY STUPID PREDICTIONS WEEK 6
Kaepernick's Stats Identical to Gabbert's Week 5
Falcons/Seahawks game higher scoring than Saints/Panthers
Texan's defense finally makes Adam proud again
I agonize all week over my Stafford/Wilson predicament, and choose wrong.
AJ MF Green . . . I won't give up . . . I won't . . . Mike.
That's all for this week. I now get to enjoy the rainy day, cuddled up on a couch, reading a Western Romance book that I'll be narrating in a few days and practicing my country dialects.
Yep, that is officially the whitest sentence I've ever written.
I just hope the penalty is declined.
No comments:
Post a Comment