So it's 11:38am on this disgustingly gelatinous Saturday morning.My belly is filled with the greatest leftover creation ever developed by the geniuses at Kraft.
(For the record, fill a casserole dish with turkey, green beans, potatoes, broccoli, gravy, and then top the whole mess off with Stovetop Stuffing and then bake for 30 minutes at 375 degrees. It's a pot pie for the kind of people who don't own a bathroom scale and have given up ever seeing their feet again.)
It's also raining, I've caught my wife's cold, and we're five movies into a Harry Potter Marathon.
Not sure if I've ever been happier.
And I once was the only heterosexual male in a dance troupe filled with daddy issues.
Anyway, assuming you too have made it unscathed through Black Friday, it's time for a couple of shots of DayQuil, and a deep dive into what is left of your fantasy football team.
Or what's left on the waiver wire.
Which, if you too, like me, follow such things closely, know that even the good people at Kraft would be clueless on how to make a meal off these ingredients.
In one of my leagues, New Orleans is the Top Defense available.
You people are hoarders and should be ashamed of yourselves.
One of my opponents this week is seriously holding on to Adrian Peterson.
Mike.
Though . . . to be fair . . . I'm still holding on to AJ Green (who I know in my core is done) and Matthew Stafford. But that's because if Wilson goes down, the next best QB on the wire (I shit you not) is Tolzien.
And Wilson CAN get hurt in the last few weeks before and during the playoffs.
I'm also looking at the same team and realizing that I'm rooting for two Giants. Jennings and Tye.
Fantasy Football really messes with your moral compass.
You go into it thinking you're Dumbledore and 11 weeks later you're thankful just to be a Weasely.
Though, to be fair, Weasley makes it alive through the sixth book.
And if that's a spoiler for you, I don't know what to say other than Darth Vader is Luke's father, the Bad News Bears lose the final game, and Old Yeller gets shot in the end.
Shot dead.
Not AJ Green who may come alive in a few weeks . . . dead, dead.
And why is it that I have such crap luck with Hand-Cuffs? I've been holding Gillislee ever since Week 3 and every time McCoy gets hurt, Gillislee gets worse hurt. It's like holding on to the kind of relationship where you get mad and then she gets mad that you're mad. And then you feel bad about getting mad and she gets even madder because you're not the kind of man who can't stick up for himself.
It's like spending a fortune in flowers only to be rewarded by unenthusiastic make-up sex.
Or what I like to call "The Percy Harvin Effect"
Or the "Sammy Watkins Syndrome"
Or the "Christine Michael Conundrum"
Mike.
I could go on and on I guess, but there's about to be a full on wizarding duel and I'm really hoping Serious Black makes it through this time.
THE BIG NEWS
Colin Kaepernick is playable in fantasy leagues.
I'm just going to leave that there.
INJURIES AND BAD DECISIONS
Karlos Williams is suspended 10 games for drug use and I gotta say, that makes me feel bad. I mean I can't relate, no one has ever offered me millions of dollars just to stay in shape and not get stoned, but could you imagine waking up after a three day bender and realizing you threw away your life just by making the kinds of mistakes that 20year olds make?
But I guess you can't re-litigate the rules.
Unless you're Donald Trump who INSISTS that coal is clean (it isn't), tax breaks for the rich will trickle down (they don't), and Mexicans are bad for the economy (don't even look at the price of guacamole at Chipotle in a Post-Wall America, because you can't afford it).
In saying that, I hope y'all had a good Thanksgiving and there wasn't too much strife.
And a shout out to my buddy Jeremy's dad who said "I don't know if joining the protests will achieve anything, but I'm seventy four years old and I think it's time for me to get arrested."
And if you needed another push toward the liberal agenda, just remember that a majority owner in the Kraft company is married to our current Secretary of State.
Try the leftover casserole.
It's delicious.
FANTASYLAND:
Teddy's Stump Speech (8-3) 2nd place.
Cheney's Shotgun (7-4) 5th place.
Trump's Twitter Game (8-3) 1st place.
I'm running out of time here, but I just wanted to take note that on a single team last week (Cheney), I lost AJ Green, McCoy, Prosise, and Zach Miller in the span of 45 minutes, and still eked out a win over Grandpa Pudding Pop.
How you ask?
Dumb-ass luck, I say.
Sounds about right, Mike replies.
But I'm still in the running for the playoffs in every league, I'll take dumb-ass luck anywhere I can get it.
CRAZY STUPID PREDICTIONS WEEK 11
Cameron Meredith unleashes the Garbage Time Cutler Kraken.
NOPE.
The Packers drop Christine Michael because he looked so much taller on his Facebook Page.
NOPE.
Frank Gore makes me proud to be a believer.
YEP . . . THEN A WEEK 12 NOPE
Ken Dixon becomes the lead man in Baltimore.
DEAD HEAT
Out of the three major lineup decisions I make this week (QB, RB, LB), I will be right on two of them and the third won't cost me the game.
PERFECT SCORE, WILSON ROCKED, LAVONTE WET THE BED, AND PROSISE WENT DOWN AS JENNINGS WENT OFF. STILL WON.
CRAZY STUPID PREDICTIONS WEEK 12
Watkins surprises the hell out of everyone.
The third string QB for Chicago makes Meredith a bigger star than Hoyer ever did.
Cleveland surprises the Giants by wearing clown make-up and they still lose.
New Orleans becomes a top ten defense because I ridiculed them
The Jets beat New England and Frankie gives up ever watching football again because he's never been this happy and wants to go out on top.
Shit . . . Serious Black is dead. Again. When will he ever learn to duck?
I wonder if Kraft has a recipe for snap peas and pumpkin pie slices?
I bet they do, and I bet it's delicious, because they're not the kind of people who would fill the Environmental Protection Agency with folk who think Global Warming is a fraud perpetuated by the Chinese.
May your Week 12 be filled hopes, dreams, dumb-ass luck, and the best leftovers this side of the waiver wire.
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