Happy to see you again friend.
It's been a long, long, long . . . long time.
And eight months since my last confession.
For those of you that are new to The 40ft Post (Hello Ashlee, Hello Francisco), this blog is a weekly recap of Fantasy Football nonsense. Its purpose, if there is such a thing, is to make you laugh.
You will not find help with your team.
You will not find help with your life.
I will do everything possible to ignore all world events that don't relate to fantasy football or the beer selection at Buffalo Wild Wings. It's not that I don't care, but I am a firm believer that we are all secretly snowflakes, and gosh darnit, safe spaces right now are a really good idea.
I just recap the BIG NEWS, INJURIES AND BAD DECISIONS, LEAGUE GOSSIP, and make some CRAZY/STUPID PREDICTIONS for the coming week.
Other goals include sewing deep seated resentment between myself and all the other league managers, to mercilessly tease those of you who actually root for real teams, to normalize alcoholism, to dramatically overestimate the fantasy superiority of Frank Gore, and to remind my brother-in-law that he's already 15 minutes into a 20 minute break and it's time to pinch it off.
I make that joke every year, and it never gets less funny.
Anyway.
The last, and most important goal, is to make sure that Karen (Woof) doesn't win for a third year in a row.
I'm not condoning collusion.
But I'm not not condoning it either.
She's waaaaay too good at this game.
Make honest reasonable trades people . . . that's all I'm saying.
BIG NEWS
So as I write this, we're all waiting with baited breath to hear the final verdict in the Elliot case. Those who took him in the second round, those with Run DMC locked and loaded, those with Alfred Morris on their bench . . . Peter basically.
That's not a tease. Peter's got a helluva team this year.
Even his rookie tight-end looks impressive.
If you're not familiar with the phrase "double-entendre", look it up in the dictionary and then read that last sentence again.
In Cosmic Charlie, tight-ends are at a premium.
It's like a Tindr search.
I could go on all day.
I don't have much stock in the Elliot case; I do have Run DMC loaded, but I'm ready to replace him with Fall Forward For Five Frank Gore, and not even feel weird about it.
As soon as Zeke hits the field, I'm gonna try to trade Darren to Will for a third tier defense.
Will also has quite the tight-end.
INJURIES AND BAD DECISIONS
There really isn't much news to go around. Andrew Luck will either be a lottery ticket or not. Cameron Meredith, Spencer Ware, and Tannehill are really the only big ticket players to end their seasons in August (if you didn't see it, the Meredith injury was so brutal even the ESPN announcer insisted it not be shown again).
OBJ will be fine, Hopkins will be fine, Demarius will be okay, it's going to rain in New England on opening night where I'll be watching on my phone because my son has got fencing lessons.
I drafted more Patriots this year that I intended.
Two . . . I drafted two.
But aside from Elliot, the only real bad decisions so far have been a Snead DUI and why the hell did Buffalo cut their number two running back this late in the preseason?
Makes no sense.
In fact, nothing Buffalo has done this off-season has made any sense.
But . . . in all fairness . . . I don't own a left handed can-opener, so my decision making is pretty suspect as well.
FANTASYLAND
So usually in this spot I like to do an autopsy of all of my massively disappointing teams from the previous year. But, alas, all my teams last year fared pretty good. First Place in Cosmic Charlie, Second Fiddle to Woof (she's a monster, an honest to god monster), and Third in the final league.
I won't be taking on a third team this year, seems selfish. Instead I'll be trying out one of those Daily Fantasy Leagues where you pick a new team each week.
Apparently, that's where the real money is.
And you know, I'm all about the Benjamins.
Speaking of politicians . . . last year I did something a little different. I named all my teams after unstoppable political figures.
And they were, for the most part, unstoppable.
Now "Trump's Twitter Game" was funny and ironic back in August 2016, "Cheney's Shotgun" was a can't miss laugh-a-palooza, and "Teddy's Stump Speech" was a nod to the classics.
I like to change team names each year, but I've never actually won before, and Trump's Twitter Game continues to be an unstoppable beast. I feel bad about it, but I think I've got to ride that pony until it drops.
As for Cheney, he's been knocked completely out of the running for the most despised world leader of the 21st Century. I'm not even sure if he'll make the top twenty at this point. So he's gotta go.
And as I said earlier, I wanna pull out of anything that smacks of world news (safe spaces safe spaces) so I've decided to stay on message because in real life, I'm building a marketing campaign for my new novel.
It goes something like this:
"Hello, My name is Josh, Buy My Book."
Snappy right?
As I said before . . . I'm all about the Benjamins.
However, if you have disposable income and the time required to sit and read . . . Do Not Buy My Book. It's a silly novel. Spend your time and money making a difference in the world.
So why name my Fantasy Team after a marketing campaign if I don't want you to actually buy it?
Excellent question.
You can find the answer on page 127 of my book.
CRAZY/STUPID PREDICTIONS FOR WEEK ONE
Zeke returns to the field but is stuck in a committee behind DMC and Morris.
Cutler is a Top Five QB.
The 49ers crush the Panthers
The Bills score exactly one point more than The Jets, but nobody knows how.
There's Josh Gordon news, and either me or Adam snatch him up.
Okay, that's all til next week. May all your Gores fall forward, your Greens stay healthy, and your tight-ends become difference makers.
It's time, Frank.
It's time.
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