I don't like the term surreal.
I don't think you should use it unless you are actually standing in front of a painting that happens to have dripping clocks on it.
No dripping clocks, no surrealism.
You can't have it.
I feel the same way about people who point to their nit-pickyness and say that it's their OCD.
Those who suffer from OCD are TERRIFIED of being caught exhibiting obsessive behaviors. So, in reality, you're not suffering from OCD, you're just kind of an asshole.
Nothing wrong with that, of course, just man up and own it. When you’re at someone’s house and you have the need to straighten one of their wall photos, don’t say; “Sorry, it’s just my OCD.” say: “Sorry, I’m just an asshole.”
Anyway,
So, the point is, last week was surreal.
Dripping clocks and all.
The only bankable things that happened was the Brady grudge match against the world . . . and sad face Eli.
I thought he couldn't get any sadder after that Marshall drop, but then Beckham loses the hot-potato game and poor Manning's iris' swelled up like a dog watching people eat.
All I'm saying is that nothing is sadder than a dog watching someone eat.
Except maybe those who drafted Russell Wilson.
Nobody is sadder than those folks.
Me . . . I'm pointing to me . . . and I did the same thing last year to similar results, because i don't learn things.
Of the thirteen players on my "Buy My Book" Team, only Frank Gore and Phil Dawson beat their projections.
I came seriously close to dropping everyone and loading that entire team up with old folks. I need to get my hands on Larry Fitzgerald and either Jason Witten or Antonio Gates. I'm not sure.
I'd love to point to any guys my team and blame them, but since it seems to be all of them, I've only myself to blame.
Or . . .
Or . . .
We remain calm and blame reality.
THE BIG NEWS
Offenses have been terrible.
So terrible.
In one of my fantasy leagues, only one team out of twelve exceeded expectations. Beat projections. Didn't look foolish. Well . . . I guess half of them won . . . So not so foolish, but not pretty.
Compare, for example, Russell Wilson in preseason versus Russell Wilson in reality.
I don't have the direct statistics (they'd be meaningless anyway), but preseason Wilson looked off-the-hook sharp, his receivers two steps ahead of their coverage, his offensive line so ominous John Williams begged to compose their theme song.
(If you don't get that reference, John Williams composed the music for Jaws and Darth Vader)
(He's no slouch when it comes to creating ominous atmospheres)
However, the season begins, and reality steps up and says . . . "Nah"
The Seahawk Offense made Hoyer look dangerous in comparison.
They were so bad I'm considering streaming defenses against them.
(Not really. Between the Browns and the Jets and the Bears and the Niners and the Bengals and the Giants, there are just way too many Pick-6's out there.)
It's like harvest season.
It is harvest season.
And I just read a report that California is in serious agricultural trouble because there aren't enough migrant farm workers. Two million people this year are going to die of famine, and we've got fruit rotting on the vine.
Excellent.
INJURIES AND BAD DECISIONS
Bradford has got a bruised bone.
(I've been staring at the screen for twenty minutes trying to think of the appropriate dick joke . . . But nothing's coming.)
Read that last sentence again.
Everybody is otherwise questionable. Except B.J. Goodson, one of my starting linebackers from Monday night's game. He'll definitely be out.
Which is kinda funny, because he was good to go about ten minutes prior to the game when I checked my line-up, and yet the announcer said he was being replaced by a rookie about two minutes into the game.
Yahoo was kind enough to send me an email to notify me of Goodson's OUT status at about 6:00 am Tuesday morning.
Not sure what kind of algorithm they're using, but it is slower to see trouble than the Giants' offensive line.
Six sacks, bro, they might as well put in a turnstyle and add a cover charge to enter the pocket.
The bouncer at a Chuck E. Cheese is harder to get past.
I could go on, but Steve is getting a text from Peter right now.
"Why can't he leave my Giants alone?!"
Because, and this is the honest truth, I'm a Niners fan, and I'm a sad petty little man.
My bone however, is delightfully unbruised.
FANTASYLAND
Buy My Book 0-2 11th place
Trump's Twitter Game 0-2 10th place
Daily 114k out of 301k
I have nothing really to say about any of this, I'm as unsurprised as you are.
Buy My Book was a terrible idea.
And Trump’s Twitter Game, so funny this time last year, now is literally picking fights with Nuclear Powers across the Globe.
I thought Buy My Book was fun and pithy and on message while I run the marketing portion of my life. The one where I get people to pay me to let them read words.
Not like the free lolz you're getting here.
The professional lolz.
But funny thing happened on the way to the forum; sales tanked right along with my tanking fantasy team.
That's none of your problem (though it is a little funny), however, as well as being small and petty, I'm also curiously superstitious. I don't freak out about black cats or nothing, but when you tie your real life and your fantasy life together . . . maybe they actually do get tied.
Maybe sales dropped because I drafted a bunch of crappy teams.
Maybe my teams are crap because literary fiction by an unknown author is a gamble even when you have a marketing budget and a blurb from Stephen King on the cover.
I have no such blurb.
I could make one up, but that would be dishonest.
And Trumps actual Twitter hasn’t killed anyone yet, but you KNOW it’s only a matter of time.
I'll give it two more weeks.
Then an entire overhaul will be required. Teams, Names, wardrobe choices, hell . . . I might switch from IPAs to something disgusting like Bud Light.
I don't know what that will look like, but there will absolutely be a time when I put Eli in my line-up because he is waaaaaaaaaaay overdue for a killer game.
And so am I.
CRAZY/STUPID PREDICTIONS WEEK 2
Bradford is once again a Top 5 QB.
Sticks and stones may break his bones, but words only bruise.
49er's beat the Seahawks.
It was a moral victory, which they say is the worst kind.
Kaepernick is hired.
No, but there's an amazing piece on him in the Bleacher Report.
Burkhead out-scores Gore, I don't play him but have no regrets.
Actually Gore was my best RB last week . . . No regrets.
Steve and I make it through the afternoon unscathed.
We're both alive, so it's a moral victory, which they say is the best kind.
CRAZY/STUPID PREDICTIONS WEEK 3
Niners get their first win, but Gurley goes off.
I get my first win because Gurley goes off
Cousins starts to rev up his game, but not enough to suggest I wouldn’t be better with Stafford.
Cutler throws for 350 and 2 TDs.
Six Teams in each league outscore their projections.
Allright, that’s enough pandering this week. May your Newtons fig out, may your Cutlers slice and dice, may your Russells be more terrier than jack.
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