"Well Commish, whatcha gonna do now?"?"
This is a reference to my new role as commissioner in the Canton Bulldogs League, and my father hinting that I'm an incompetent baboon.
"Whatcha mean?" I text back. (Notice how I didn't take the baboon bait, and retorted with a copy of the word 'watcha' even though it's not a real word.)
Take that dad.
"The NFL is postponing the Titans game." he typed back with his thumbs.
Now here's the funny bit. Exactly thirty seconds before my father's text, I was sipping my coffee and reading the NFL news. There was a note about a few members of the Tennessee Titans having tested positive for the corona virus, and the sentence I had just read prior to my father's thumb assault was "The game with the Steelers will not be postponed."
However, the article I had been reading was an hour old.
New stuff could have happened.
Regardless of my father's thumb assault.
In fact . . . new stuff had happened.
The Titans Steelers Game is up in the air.
Which creates quite the conundrum.
Because there are Fantasy Football implications . . . and I'd already outlined some incredibly inappropriate jokes for this week that have nothing to do with my father's quick thinking thumbs nor the Great State of Tennessee.
Mostly I was going to do jokes about this Thursday's match-up between the Jets and the Denver Broncos.
Like: If Sam Darnold butt-fumbles in the Denver Stadium, does that mean he technically joins "The Mile High Club"?
That joke is gold.
But to understand it, you'd need to know three things:
One: There was a famous Jets fumble where their quarterback (Mark Sanchez) ran into the butt of his own teammate and fell down.
Two: Denver has a high elevation and is referred to as 'The Mile High City'
Three: 'The Mile High Club' is entirely unrelated to football.
(You have the internet, look it up. DO NOT however look up Dirty Sanchez.)
Honestly, that's one of those jokes that gets funnier every time I try to explain it.
But how can I make Jets/Broncos jokes when I'm now officially a day late . . . and there are all these great Tennessee jokes to mine?
(I can see Frankie right now breathing a sigh of relief. No thumb assaults for his poor Jets this week)
Not even a Butt-fumble reference.
Like, did you know that in Greek Mythology, the Titans were the twelve children of Gaia and Uranus?
I mean, that is onomatopoetic gold.
Thumbs be damned.
Did you know that Tennessee is the home of Elvis, Jack Daniels, and my grandmother?
Her name was Helen.
Did you know the Helen Ready just died?
That last sentence was a complete digression . . . hear me roar.
Anyway, is it any surprise that the first team that contracted the Corona Virus was from a . . . well . . . how should we say it? . . . Was from a state that refers to The Civil War as The War of Northern Aggression?
Home of Dollywood and the uranium enrichment facilities for the Manhattan Project.
It's an entire state below the Mason Dixon line.
It's a state where their junior Senator committed a felony during the impeachment hearings, but only got a tsk tsk from Twitter instead of jail time.
Now I'm not saying the coastal teams are any better. Kyle Shannahan (49ers Coach) got dinged so hard for not wearing his mask in week one that he might have to spend less than $70,000 this year on his hair this tax season.
What I'm really trying to say is that we're all pretty surprised that the first outbreak didn't come out of Florida.
In fact, here's a wild note for the history books . . . the first NFL team with a positive result was the Houston Texans, but it was a false positive, not quite the true positive. And that's only cool if you know that the Tennessee Titans used to be the Houston Oilers.
It's like there's just something wrong with their DNA.
Did I mention my grandmother was from Tennessee?
Anyway, I could spend a really really long time thumb assaulting the State of Tennessee because of their history and politics and Taylor Swift, but the real important bit is what happens now with our fantasy football teams.
What do we do?
I mean, if none of your players are on the Titans or Steelers, then your* fine.
*you're.
But let's say you have . . . oh . . . I don't know . . . Ju Ju Smith Shuster, or Eric Ebron, or the Steeler's Kicker (whose name I'm forgetting)** like my wife does.
She didn't forget his name, that's her team.
Or what do you do with Derrick Henry or Jonnu Smith, like I does?
Steve and I talked about this possibility a little before the start of the season, but it was after four or five really good beers and I think we just shrugged our shoulders and went "Whatever, no one has players on any of the Florida Teams"
Anyway, the nice thing for me to do would be to say, "Don't Worry . . . we'll work something out . . . I won't let your team fail if, for some reason, you stacked Big Ben, James Conner, Derrick Henry, Ju Ju, AJ Brown, Jonnu, ** Chris Boswell, Pittsburg's Defense."
Nah.
That would be the nice thing for me to say.
But I'm not gonna. And Whatcha gonna do about it?
(Notice how I tied in the earlier text string between me and my fathers thumbs. That's the genius part of my DNA that didn't come from Tennessee.)
Anyway.
I hope your team isn't built with that First Case Scenario.
Cause if it is . . . you should worry.
I don't think any of you did, but it's possible . . . and it's showbiz baby.
We all gotta take the gamble.
Like the gamble the junior Senator from the great State of Tennessee took when she left the Senate Chambers during an impeachment hearing so that she wouldn't miss a T.V. interview on Fox News and sort of committed a crime that required jail time.
She could be getting thumb assaulted right now if it weren't for the fact that the leader of the Senate cares about the people he is responsible for, and, would frankly do anything to ensure their success.
That's not me dropping political bombs in the middle of a Fantasy Football blog, I'm just saying that Mitch McConnell cares for people in a way . . . that I, as commissioner . . . do not.
Oh my god . . . you are on your own. You too, wife.
Best of luck . . . honey, sweetie, darling, love of my life.
Better get yo-self a back up tight-end.
(Which is exactly what she's going to do and why I'm not gonna be surprised when she runs away with the pool boy)
We don't have a pool, but there's this guy named Sven who always seems to be hanging around the house.
He smells of Gaia and Uranus.
WHAT TO WATCH:
Obviously, now that we're in the future there is no point worrying over the Titans/Steelers game. That ship has sailed. We just need to send our good thoughts to the kind of places where good thoughts are currency.
Which I believe is Oklahoma City, and The Kingdom of Heaven.
Hell is still on the gold standard and you can't buy anything in West Virginia without a pocketful of coal dust.
It's like fairy dust, but instead of the ability to fly, you get black lung disease.
Last week, the most important thing to watch was whether or not I was going to finally get that "W"
Which I did, like twice. Thank you for all your good thoughts.
This week however is what I'd like to call "Baited Breath Week" for the NFL and all of us. Will any more teams see infections happen? The Titans played the Vikings last week, the Vikings are so far clear, but who knows. Will Adam Gase get fired after tonight's game?
How far will all this go before we're safe?
Who knows.
Dad's house may be on fire right now too.
Just in case you were worried that there wasn't enough to worry about.
So here's what we really need to watch this week:
We need to watch some football. Preferably with some friends and some beer and some novelty foods that you're only allowed to eat on Sunday. Like onion dip and three bean burritos. And while you're doing that just try to remember that this is life, not the rest of the stuff. Just this. Just onion dip.
FANTASYLAND:
The Commish 1-2 (7th Place)
Karen's Handful 1-2 (8th Place)
Now this is much more like it. Hanging out there on the ragged edge. Fighting for every point. Where I can look over at Frankie on game day and feel sorry for him in one league, and grossly jealous in another.
Is that weird? Am I making this weird?
I am running out of time this morning, so I'll make these last bits short.
Game On Brothers and Sisters.
CRAZY STUPID PREDICTIONS LAST WEEK:
1. I win (yes . . . yes I did)
2. Josh Gordon is reinstated (no . . . no he wasn't)
3. The Doctor who punctured Tyrod Taylor's lung is now head of the CDC (There is no CDC)
4. Washington Football Team becomes the DC Purple Cabbage (if you don't get that reference read last week's blog)
5. I win (yes . . yes I did that too.)
CRAZY STUPID PREDICTIONS THIS WEEK:
1. No one else tests positive and the Titans/Steelers game is rescheduled.
2. I win one, I lose one. (Like the saying goes)
3. Drew Brees gets Michael Thomas back and proves that he was worth a fifth round pick
4. Josh Gordon gets reinstated.
5. Frank Gore is the number seven Running Back on the Week.
Sorry that I gotta run so soon. Break's over Frank.
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