Tuesday Night . . .
5:36pm
Wife enters the room.
"She's beating me by half a point!" she says as she pulls a plastic 64oz Big Gulp cup from the cupboard and begins filling it with crisp white wine. "How can she be beating me by half a point!?"
I shrug.
Which is the kind of thing an attentive loving husband should never do.
Trust me.
She doesn't break eye contact until the cup is full.
"I hate this game." she says. And stomps off to another room, until I tell her dinner is ready.
When she returns, the Big Gulp is half empty and she looks at me, and then looks at the dinner table and then looks at the television and then points at the spot she usually sits at during dinner, but also happens to be the only spot one can see the TV from.
"Would you like to sit here so you can watch the game?"
Which is the kind of thing an attentive loving wife might do.
"Nah, I can spend fifteen minutes paying attention to my wife."
Which is the kind of thing an attentive loving husband might say when he messed up that whole shrug business from the earlier paragraph.
I was tempted to take the seat.
But you see . . . I'd already won both of my Fantasy Football matches, and the rest of the game was just icing off the top.
So attentive loving husband it is.
"It was that @#$%ing tight ass. He got me like two points." she says, steak juice dribbling down her face like we were in a vampire movie.
Logan Thomas . . . she meant Logan Thomas, the Tight end for the Washington Redskins who didn't have much of a game, even with the switch in quarterbacks.
I forced myself not to shrug. Instead, I reach out and touch her dainty wrist.
"I know, babe." I say. "I know."
"@#$%ing Tight Ass." she says.
"I know, babe." I say. "I know."
"He's getting dropped." she says.
"That's it . . . " I say. "Let it all out."
"I hate this game."
"You want a hug?" I ask.
"No . . . I want a @#$%ing Tight Ass."
"We can worry about that in the morning." I say.
My wife would eventually lose by a little over five points which is certainly within the margin that one might have obtained with a competent tight end, which makes the defeat all that more unreasonable. But the fact of the matter is this . . . we make choices . . . we live with those choices.
When Leveon Bell decided to sit out the 2018 season in hopes for more money . . . that was a choice.
When the Jets decided he was worth that money and paid him . . . that was a choice.
When the Jets hired Adam Gase to run a football team . . . that was a choice.
None of these were particularly good choices, considering the outcome, and hiring Adam Gase was never a good choice, because he's not good at what he does, but all ended up rather well.
Bell got paid $27 million for, I think, running about 67 yards over a season and a half, and now gets to have a real shot at attending a Super Bowl in uniform. And of course Frank Gore (who had his super Bowl Moment in 2014) gets another shot at being the Number One Running Back in an offense that is going to be behind a lot of points for a really long time.
Adam Gase still has a paycheck.
So yeah, everybody is happy.
Unless you're Karen . . . who has both Leveon Bell, and Clyde Edwards Helaire, and is going to have to make really hard choices every single week til the playoffs.
She goes against my wife tomorrow, and there's an incredibly funny tight ass joke I would like to make here . . . but this is a family show.
(It had bouncing quarters, a Captain America reference, and a Xerox machine, in case you were wondering)
Anyway . . .
WHAT TO WATCH
Last week was all about hoping everyone was keeping themselves safe. Everyone did . . . thank you very much. But I happened to have thrown out my back trying to prune back a tree that has been growing into my roof for a couple of weeks.
So that was no fun.
I'm better now.
Not "good"
Just better.
This week starts off just right. Everyone is happy, healthy, except for Moe Allie Cox, which gives my wife's tight ass a fighting chance.
If you're worried I'm going to be running with that joke all season . . . don't be.
Of course I will.
Because they just keep getting funnier.
The real fun this week is going to be seeing that final shift in whose team has it, and whose team doesn't.
Like if you look at Adam's Team "Q" you'll see that he's only beaten one other team (that'd be mine) but his total point score is in the top five. Will his team make the move . . . who knows?
Will Dad retain the topspot in our Cosmic Charlie division with Dalvin Cook and Austin Ekeler out, and Matt Ryan as his quarterback.
These are things that would make a 19th century Gold Coast elite clasp her pearls and say "Oh Deary Me."
That's right 19th century Gold Coast elite . . . oh deary me.
INJURIES AND BAD DECISIONS
I honestly don't know why I even keep writing this section.
I haven't the time and it's all out of date before I even hit the 'publish' button.
FANTASYLAND
The Commish 2-3 (7th place)
Karen's Handful 2-3 (9th place)
Made a lot of moves this week. My leading running backs on The Commish are Antonio Gibson and Phillip Lindsay.
But still . . . I'm going up against Patrick . . . who is an absolutely delightful person . . . and knows things about the autopsy of Elvis Presley that he'd be willing to share for a glass of chardonnay . . . but he doesn't scare me.
okay, maybe a little.
And in the other corner I'm up against the beautifully named TUCK U, who has, so far, out-scored me 537 to 476, but his Russel Wilson is on BYE and I like my odds with my Andy Dalton who has nothing left to lose against his Phillip Rivers who has nothing left to win.
Gonna be a fun few days.
CRAZY STUPID PREDICTIONS LAST WEEK:
Joann goes 3-2 (sadly no . . .but we already discussed this)
Ekeler injury not bad (sadly no, but we already discussed this)
Rick Astley becomes the Texans Coach (sadly no.)
The Washington Football team signs Colin Kaepernick (sadly no.)
We're all safe this week, even Gold (boisterously yes)
CRAZY STUPID PREDICITONS THIS WEEK:
Tubba Thor (wife and sister) picks the right WR wins; and Karen slashes her tires.
Dad sticks with Ertz and we all send him postcards
Adam gets a "W", but it's a bumper sticker from the George Bush campaign of 2000
(How @#$%ing long ago was that?)
The Buccaneers and Packers game end in a draw and now no one can be the G.O.A.T. *
GOOD NIGHT . . . AND GOOD LUCK.
*and if you didn't get the G.O.A.T. reference (Mr. Gold) The two quarterbacks facing each other in that game are Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers, both future Hall of Famers, one married a supermodel, the other dates race car drivers, and G.O.A.T. is an acronym for Greatest of All Time, which is a thing.
I'm betting on the guy that did that commercial.
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